Eva Mendes warned us all about the matrimonial threat posed by sweatpants. I was trapped in the Toronto airport this weekend and their merchandisers seem hell bent on making it divorce proof. I couldn’t find sweatpants anywhere, and I really needed a pair. Lots of people think she’s wrong, but these are some ways sweat pants can legitimately ruin even the most stable union:
1) You take off other people’s sweatpants and that’s not something that’s okay in your marriage.
2) You spend all household income on sweatpants and there’s nothing left for rent or food. Guido comes by to bust your kneecaps over sweatpant related debt.
3) You bet your house on your ability to guess how many sweatpants are in your dresser and lose.
4) You rob a store that sells sweatpants and end up on the evening news.
5) You go to the grocery store drunk, in only your sweatpants, incurring charges for public intoxication and indecent exposure.
6) You try to strangle your spouse with your sweatpants.
7) You spend all day insulting your mother in law’s sweatpants.
8) You make a living taking off your sweatpants but tell your spouse you’re a pediatrician.
9) You hire a divorce attorney who wears sweatpants.
Sweatpants might be comfortable, but obviously there is some truth to Eva’s warnings. Follow her advice, save your marriage from dissolution and your kneecaps from Guido.