Being in a relationship is hard work. Being in a relationship with me is apparently harder. APPARENTLY. It really doesn’t have to be. These are some handy tips from folks who have been there before (in the event of the untimely demise of my current boyfriend, see point 5).
- Tell me to cover my eyes when something gross comes on TV. This means blood, bodily fluids, needles, medical procedures and anything death-like that is squishy, gushy or icky.
- Drive me over bridges. Unless you like being a
hostage horrified onlookerpassenger during my panic attack, in which case, by all means, make yourself comfy with your feet up on the dash. This applies to tunnels also.
- [bctt tweet=”Never use the words “Calm down”. Nothing good will come of it.”]
- Accept that I might text you because I’m annoyed and you are RIGHT THERE but the idea of vocalizing it is too intimidating because it’s just too hard to say out loud sometimes.
- If you have questions about if the doors are locked or the oven is turned off, ask them before I get into bed and get comfy. Feel free to disregard if you like a little mystery as to if you will be smothered in your sleep or not. This advice can also be applied to if my flat iron is unplugged or if the front door is locked. These are questions for before we get on the elevator NOT AFTER. Again, unless you want to be smothered in your sleep.
- If I randomly giggle, it’s probably because there is a hilarious monologue happening in my head you are not yet privy to, so please don’t interrupt. I will inform you on a need-to-know basis. It’s possible you don’t need to know yet or that I have decided vocalizing it might make me sound unstable. Expect a text message.
- As a writer, I have a get out of jail free card for having to scribble down ideas as they come to me or they will be lost in the abyss forever. I will invoke this even if you think it’s a socially unacceptable time to whip out a note pad (weddings – possibly our own, wake – maybe yours, while cooking things that will burn quickly if left unattended). You will forget all about the burnt sugar cookies and thank me when we are sipping champagne after I publish my best-selling novel.
- If you decide to surprise me with food, ensure it does not contain MSG. Otherwise we will both be surprising the staff at the local Emergency Room. There should be a quota of folks surprised every day. Don’t use it all up on bad Chinese food.
- Some of my best friends in the whole world live in my phone and haven’t met me in real life yet. This does not make them imaginary. They are bloggers, not unicorns. Ok, some of them are unicorns, but it’s certainly a minority.
- If I ask you to photograph me doing something for my blog, do what you can to limit the number of chins you document. I should only have one. I’m very short, so finding an angle that gives more than one should actually be quite difficult.
- You are now my de facto editor. If I ask you to read something and tell me if I sound like a nutbar, I mean more than usual or in a way that folks who read me regularly wouldn’t understand.
- If you don’t want me to write about something, tell me FIRST. It’s entirely possible I will have already Facebooked, tweeted and cleverly memed it before you get around to the part that it’s private, mortifying and a state secret. At that point, it’s not my fault. I’m like a reporter, you have to say “this is off the record”.
- Don’t trust me to cook rice without a rice cooker. Leave me in charge of things with long cooking times only. Consider witnessing my culinary skills in action as an opportunity to broaden your sense of humour and palate for things that start with ‘Blackened’.
- Don’t store coffee mugs on top of the fridge. This has been proven to result in a mild concussion at best. Relationships should involve occasional concessions, not concussions. It only happened once, but now it’s a rule.
- Accept that I will be late for things
oftensometimes. This is because I’m kind of a jerkoptimistic.
- I might watch ahead without you on Netflix binges. This is because you would probably sleep through it anyways if you are home. It’s basically your fault, so you can’t complain.
- Understand and accept that I can’t figure out top sheets, dry my hands before getting in the tub, can’t handle anything above my collarbones, and call them collarbones even though there isn’t any visible bone and hasn’t been for a while and these things make me interesting, not a weirdo.
Being my boyfriend can be exciting and rewarding in a “what the heck did she tag me in on Facebook” kind of way. Follow these 17 handy suggestions and you could end up happy with me one day.
My de facto editor says no, you can’t have me and I shouldn’t make promises like that. He also promises to do better with the chin thing. I mean, really HOW HARD IS IT?