It’s showcase season again. This is the couple of months where I run around like a crazy person trying to get ready to perform as a pole dancer. We cram for hours and hours and then the day of, we all giggle together, apply makeup in Costco quantities and try not to be shy. We show everyone just what their wives/girlfriends/mommies have been doing the past few months while they were missing us and eating cold fish sticks.

This is what my time looks like in broad strokes:


This is the process by which I transform myself from tired, juice box toting soccer mom to sparkly entertainer with pin curls and vavoom for days.

  1. Prepare self mentally to perform. I saw a cute thing online that said “Dance like nobody’s watching, they are all staring at their phones anyways”. This gives me hope and shall be my mantra. If I mess up and fail to yell Ta-da at the end of my error, pretend you were just checking your Twitter and you didn’t even notice. Don’t make it awkward, mmmkay?
  2. Prepare self physically to perform. For me, other than more pole time, this equals cross training. It gives me the strength, stamina and agility to execute daring acts of grace and athleticism. While this description may be generous, it sounds a lot better than “enthusiastic fumbling, bumbling and flailing with expertly pointed toes”. I cross train by attending Zumba, spin class and lifting heavy at my favourite gym (GoodLife Fitness).
  3. Music. Last time, I picked ‘You Don’t Own Me’ which was perfect for my sassy, feminist, pinup persona. This time I’m toying with ‘Lovely’ by Sara Haze, ‘I’m not sorry’ by Celeste Cunningham, and ‘King of Anything’ by Sara Bareilles. I so dearly love ‘Sail’ by Awol Nation but I feel like it’s been done to death and I don’t want to follow the kind of exceptional magic I’ve seen performed to it. If you can think of something better, please cast your vote in the comments section. I’m vetoing in advance: YMCA, The Chicken Dance, and Anything By That Justin Bieber Kid.
  4. Choreography. Last time, I winged it. There is only so much room in this frazzled mom’s brain and I was worried a complex plan would end up accidentally stored in the “small child’s pick up time from school” storage compartment and we would both be hooped. This time, I’m feeling confident enough to do something premeditated. Side note: I love that word (premeditated). It sounds like something sneaky I would do with my pin curls stuffed up under a balaclava, like it’s more of a heist than an interpretive dance.
  5. Costuming. Last time I wore a dress because I wasn’t attempting any inversions or crazy daredevil stunts that require a helmet and a rider on my life insurance. It’s hard to field test a performance costume in store, as experience tells me people wonder about your mental health if you try stuff on and then try to hang upside down in it.  I think I will be a little bit braver this time, and whatever I wear has to glitter. If I’m unsuccessful, it will at least dazzle the audience or put them in some form of trance until I can find somewhere unobtrusive to hide while the legal name change and witness protection program documents get processed.

There you have it folks, the road map that’s going to get me to from “Mooooommy!!!” to “Hot (or at least, lukewarm) Mama!”


This post was written in partnership with GoodLife Fitness as part of the GoodLife Fitness Ambassador Program.

Comments are closed.