I belong to a fun group on Facebook of pole dancers that consists of entertaining ways to complete the above noted sentence. This is a compilation of my contributions to the group (and some that haven’t made it there yet):
1. You feel as if the muscles of your upper body are going to unionize and take a stand against all the abuse.
2. You have mistaken grip aid for hair spray or body mist with entertaining results.
3. You pull on a pair of track pants over your pole shorts and instantly become a secret agent assassin of sass.
4. Your family tree from a performance perspective is a mish mash of gymnasts and burlesque beauties.
5. You assess the viability of a residence based on its home pole friendliness.
6. Your concept of “excessively restrictive gun control” relates to the last time you tried to cram your biceps into a non-aerial friendly dress shirt.#gunshownogo
7. Running away to join the circus is no longer a threat like when you were seven, now it’s a career prospect with legitimacy.
8. You spend so much time upside down that Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness makes you consider holding a small private funeral for your lats.
9. Your selfies are epic.
10. You know what arnica is.
11. You don’t believe the appropriateness of sequins as a wardrobe choice should be governed by the time of day.
12. Your unapologetic “driving the car” dance choreo includes chest slides, shimmies and shoulder rolls. It becomes more elaborate when stuck in traffic or when egged on by a passenger.
13. The answer to “how do you walk in those shoes?” is “the same way I invert and side climb…with a smile!”
14. There is no reasonable way to test sports bra effectiveness for your sport of choice in store. (But how’s that gonna work upside down?)
15. Capris and a tank top at the normal person gym feel like a snowsuit.
16. You have pretty pointed toes and ugly callused hands.
17. So. Many. Bruises. When a recap of your class sounds like a cartographer compiling an atlas of all the delightful collateral damage marking shins, knees, thighs. New bruises appear, old ones fade, in migratory patterns like nomadic tribes across the desert.
18. The thought of switching from stainless to brass and vice versa is akin to a religious conversion in terms of commitment level and shifting world views. (I heart brass)
19. The only reason you want to save to be a homeowner is so that you can put your pole up and screw the aerial yoga equipment into the ceiling.
20. Your mental framework around “size matters” is in mm not inches. 38 please!
21. You can fit multiple workout wardrobe changes….in your purse.
22. You can make reasonably accurate deductions about what your friends are working on based on their bruises.
23. You are familiar with the sense of dread and panic as the manicurist slathers lotion on hands unsolicited and you think “Noooooo is this pole safe? I’m totally going to fall on my head tonight!”
24. You have trouble recognizing your friends right side up with all their clothes on.
25. Your friends believe you when you explain that your upper thigh bruises came from “Superman”.
26. Jasmine isn’t just a Disney princess.
27. Your son’s favourite game is “Can mommy climb that?”
28. Playgrounds are assessed based on street pole potential. This is why invites to the park from other mommies are scarce.
29. Your Christmas cards look like this:
30. You can have a serious conversation about the number of “Firemen” you have done and it’s not about promiscuity.
31. You have converted a standard issue high heel into a tripod.
32. You have repaired a ripped callus with hot pink vet wrap.
33. Most of your shorts can get you kicked out of Starbucks.
34. Your students say things like “Don’t mind me, I’m just being sexy over here in the corner”
35. Your biggest dilemma is whether to risk falling out of arm pit grip by applying deodorant or knocking yourself out with sweaty smell in crucifix.